July 8, 2026

vmalvey

READER RECOMMENDATION:

A reader provided the below recommendation to address BOTH gaslighting and bullying.  I found the proposed approach interesting and thought it might be successful if applied judiciously.

Obtaining Proof…

The number one issue with both gaslighting and bullying is being able to prove your claims and not sound like you’re whining or complaining against someone without justification.  Thus, our reader, let’s call her Kathy, recommended using the RECORD function on ZOOM whenever you were meeting with the offender even if it is a one-on-one meeting.  That way, you could obtain actual proof as to tone and words used to address you.

What if…

My last company that I worked for (yes, the one that laid me off!) removed the record functionality from our ZOOM meetings.  I know!  Rather suspicious, isn’t it?  What do they need to hide?  Regardless, if that happens to you, you can simply request access from Human Resources (HR) on a “need” basis, letting HR know that you have hearing difficulties and need the record functionality to obtain a transcript in real-time while on the call.  If it were me and I was having problems at work, even if HR requested confirmation of my medical issues, I would first try the HIPPA route as they don’t have the right to request it.  However, in the event the company requested it and my job was at risk, I would go ahead and schedule the appointment for months out to provide the appointment date with HR.  I’d do whatever it took to be able to record the Zoom meetings.

Carrying Out the Plan…

Whenever you have meetings with the person who is gaslighting or bullying you, make sure any meetings you have are on Zoom.  Explain to that person that you’re having hearing issues and need the Zoom platform to assist you.  If the meeting is in person, go ahead and start one on your laptop as the speaker will pick up all the voices in the room.  If the person balks at the idea, let them know that you need it because of a potential medical issue and you’d be happy to get HR involved if needed.  Trust me, your boss/co-worker will back down.

Once you have the evidence…

OK; this is the scary part.  I know it’s terrifying, but this next step MUST be done or you’ll never get out from under the gaslighting or bullying.  You MUST take your proof to HR!!  In addition, after you review the information with them, tell them that you are concerned that there may be retaliatory actions taken against you by the aggressor.  Let HR know that you want to make certain your concerns are noted in your HR file.  By noted concerns about the possibility of the perpetrator taking revenge against you, it helps to ensure it won’t happen.  After all, since you’ve insisted it be in your file, HR will be extra cautious to ensure they remain on-top of your file and concerns.  In addition, HR will speak to the aggressor and warn them against retaliatory behavior.

Let’s Get Real…

Is this the perfect solution?  Far from it.  However, the real problem is there isn’t a perfect solution.  When faced with bullying or gaslighting in a corporate setting, all of your options are less than optimal.  Let’s really look at them:

Leave the Department:  You can transfer out of the department, away from the person with whom you are having problems.  That will eliminate the immediate problem, but that person can still “bad-talk” about you and cause you problems if you have to interact with them in your new role.

Leave the Company:  You can opt to leave the company in its entirety.  This choice means you walk away from your seniority, your years of hard work, and any of the other opportunities that you may have been considering at your current company.  Also, it’s rough out there and high paying positions aren’t plentiful; this option may take a long time to execute.

Go to HR and Report the Problem:  This final option as presented above is a tough road to go, but it keeps you in your current role.  You could also combine this option with one of the 2 above to ease some of the attacks while you look for a new role either within or outside of the company.  You should utilize the suggestion as made above to ensure you have the proof behind your claims before you go to HR. 

I want to thank our reader for presenting this interesting option and how it could be handled within HR to ensure that you have proof for your claims for gaslighting and bullying.  As I continue to say, we have to stick together, because it’s getting tough out there, people!

ORIGINAL POST:

A Tale of SEEKING ASSISTANCE…

This week I’ll be introducing you to Katie.  Once again, as with Julie’s story last week, I believe Katie’s experience is one to which many of you will relate:  Workspace Bullying.  Every day, Katie faces subtle digs, direct insults, and other methods to make her feel “less than” and utterly incompetent in her job.  It’s an invisible pressure that builds up inside of her until she feels completely overwhelmed.  Unfortunately Katie is still in this horrible situation and is hoping we can help her find a creative way out of it.  Here’s Katie’s tale of toxic workspace.

A Long and Happy Career…

Katie has been at her current company for over 20 years.  She started at a low level job and worked her way up to Senior Manager during her tenure with the company.  She has had bosses that she liked more than others, but never before had any problems or issues with a boss…until Typhoon Topaz hit!

Typhoon Topaz comes ashore…

Katie’s department reorganized and a new leader was put in charge of her area; let’s call her Topaz for our story.  At first, Katie was ecstatic.  After all, she’d worked for a number of women previously and always found them to be supportive and encouraging.  However, Topaz soon proved to be anything but.  In fact, Topaz ambushed Katie with a new issue that Katie had never before faced in all of her 20 years of working:  Workspace BULLYING!

Mean Girls Don’t Just Exist in High School…

Topaz seemed to relish being nasty.  She is one of those women who delight in belittling others to make herself feel bigger.  We’ve all run into those types of petty bitches who just need to knock down others in order to feel like the big dog.  The problem is in a corporate workspace you really don’t have many good choices to avoid it.  Katie would attend team meetings and, being outgoing, would speak up with suggestions.  Every time she opened her mouth, Topaz would hold up her hand to stop the flow of Katie’s words before pronouncing to the room, “We’re short on time, people, so please keep your suggestions to a minimum and only to helpful ones”.  As Katie had just made a suggestion, the implication that her suggestion wasn’t helpful at all was very clear.  It truly made Katie feel 2 feet tall as everyone in the room turned to look at her.  Damnnnnn.

Erosion of Confidence Happens…

Over time Katie’s confidence began to erode as everything she tried or suggested was shot down publicly.  If you’re constantly made to feel incompetent, it’s impossible to hold onto your confidence.  Katie found herself fighting off depression and insecurity.  She would call her work friends, breaking down in tears as she outlined what happened, asking if she was crazy for making her suggestions or initiatives. 

Had Enough….

Finally, Katie realized she couldn’t handle this situation.  She’d thought about going to Human Resources (HR), but what could she really say?  How do you go to HR and say “she’s being mean to me?”  Even if Katie documented specific incidents, all HR would do was to speak to Topaz which would only make Katie’s situation even worse.  She could only imagine that Topaz would be vindictive as a spiteful, old witch, making her life pure Hell.  No Thanks!

Climbing out of the hole….

Katie decided it was time to climb out of the dark hold she’d fallen into.  But how does one build back their confidence that has been undermined over time?  She decided to read her previous reviews and look at her accomplishments over the years.  As she saw all that she’d done while at the company, she began to understand that she’d always succeeded prior to working for Topaz, that she’d always excelled at every position, and that she was competent at managing her team to successful conclusions.  Finally, after weeks of thoughtful reflection, she realized it wasn’t her!!!  Katie was BACK!  Now it was time to shake off the dead weight.

See Ya’…

As I said in the beginning, Katie has been at her job for 20 years.  She has put in for a transfer to another department and hopes to get it.  She’s nervous that Topaz will undermine the transfer because if they go to her for a recommendation, she will give Katie a terrible review.  Luckily, Katie has 20 years of good reviews and lots of connections at the company.  She’s hoping that those factors have more weight than any damage Topaz may do.  In addition, Katie has begun to look for positions outside of her company.  She just needs to get out!  She has had ENOUGH!

Any Suggestions?…

Has anyone out there been in Katie’s position?  If so, how did you handle it?  Your input and help could really help Katie.  Personally, I think Katie did a masterful job overcoming her depression and lack of confidence caused by Topaz’s cruel undermining of her competence.  I also believe Katie is moving forward in a positive manner by trying to find an alternate position within her company.  Surely other managers see what a spiteful bitch Topaz is.  That type of vindictiveness isn’t easily hidden.  Regardless of the outcome, Katie is already in a better place now than 2 months ago. 

Can anyone offer any suggestions to Katie?  She would LOVE to hear them!  Hope you can help!